Go to the Archives (Hint: This email will probably make the most sense if you go there first)
Dear God of Senseless Brutality,
Considering your experience with carrying out violence in other people's quarrels, I was wondering if you would be able to help me in my quest for justice and extract punishment on my murderer. I would do it myself but only you are capable of the reckless destruction I'd like to see done upon him and I know how much you enjoy being told what to do by others so I figured letting you take it upon yourself to get my revenge only makes sense.
Let me remind you how I was killed in case you have forgotten:
One day, I was minding my own business at home with my horses where I was trying to come up with a plan to defend myself from the savage King Eurystheus of Tiryns. He was jealous of my kingdom and was always content to attack without provocation. Little did I know that on that very same day Eurystheus had sent an insufferable brute to steal my beloved mares.
My horses were the quickest and most powerful the world had ever seen because I took such good care of them. I imported the best meats for my precious girls. Of course they also ate fruits and vegetables but they were accustomed to meals that included a whopping helping of some sort of red meat. Beef, pork, goat they ate it all without preference. Each one of my horses was special to me. There was Podargos; she was the swiftest. There was Lampon; her mane shined with such brightness. There was Xanthos; she had the sweetest yellow coat. Last but not least there was Deinos; how terribly strong she was. I groomed them, fed them, rode them, pet them, healed them when they were sick and attended to their every need. As a result they were always calm, collected, and they would never hurt a fly. I understand why others would envy my horses and try to take them for themselves so I invested in a bronze manger and chains to tether them with so no one would be able to easily take them. I also trained my horses to act wild around strangers. I taught them to buck, kick and snap whenever someone they didn't recognize approached the stables. Because of how vicious they looked to those who approached, rumors began to spread that they were actually man-eating horses, can you believe that? What kind of dimwit would actually believe my horses ate humans? Some ignorant fool must Eurystheus have hired.
So on that fateful day, my horses did as they always do when they saw my soon-to-be killer approaching; they snarled at him and chomped their teeth at him. They really made quite a ruckus so I ran outside to try and scare off the stranger who dared to bother my poor babies. Instead of being scared off, however, the stranger charged me and we began to wrestle. Most people would not be ludicrous enough to take on a son of Ares in a fight but this man did not have such sense. I'll admit he was strong and we fought for hours and hours. By the end of it all we had both been disfigured beyond recognition due to the number of blows we had given each other. Unfortunately, my body gave out before his. As I was inches away from death. He tossed me to my own horses and they ate every ounce of my flesh. I do not blame them. Due to my disfigurement and close encounters with my killer, my horses could not distinguish the two of us. They thought I had brought them their normal portion of meat.
But what a cruel kind of person feeds a man to his own horses? Certainly you understand why this person needs to be dealt with. So, please, I urge you to just go kill yourself you murderous psychopath. I will never understand why you were granted immortality among the gods for carrying out someone else's petty acts of self-interest but it would really be in the world's best interest if you forfeited the life you never deserved.
May you suffer eternally in Tartarus,